8 Reasons to Rain on the Mariners' Parade

The hype around this season’s Mariners has reached national proportions. Pundits and experts (i.e. people paid for their opinions, informed or not) agree, the Mariners are in the top tier of the American League this season.

If being a lifelong Seattle sports fan has taught me anything it’s to temper my expectations. In the spirit of not getting into the spirit, here are eight reasons why the Mariners are going to fall flat on their face this year.

(Please be aware, this post is meant to be my own devil’s advocate argument because, full disclosure, I am ALL IN on the M’s this season. They haven’t been in this good a position to make a postseason run in more than a decade.)

ON TO THE TERRIBLENESS!

1) LF – Last we checked, left field was being locked down by our ex-future-second baseman Dustin Ackley. Ackley, having failed to live up to the vaunted expectations surrounding him, has been entrusted to live up to his potential this year…by being platooned. That’s correct, Ackley will platoon with another puddle of disappointment, Rickie Weeks, someone who has never played the OF beyond HIGH SCHOOL and who REFUSED the opportunity to learn the position as recently as LAST SEASON.

Bust Potential – 273.15°K

2) CF – Austin Jackson will perform everyday duties in center field. Austin Jackson put up a 51 wRC+ with the Mariners last year. Austin Jackson’s ISO has been declining steadily for the past three years (.179, .145, .126). Oops, I’m sorry, I put up Jackson’s most recent ISO with Detroit; include his time with the M’s and that .126 turns into a .090. Ug. Lee.

Bust Potential – 500 kellicams

3) RF – In right we have another platoon, Seth Smith and Justin Ruggiano. Because platoons have worked so well for the Mariners in the past, why not try to resurrect the ghosts of Roberto Petagine and Eduardo Perez. If Ruggiano doesn’t turn into Casper Wells, this might, MIGHT, turn into a reasonable platoon.

Bust Potential – .4 Morgen

4) 1B – Here we have the ever-reliable Logan Morrison. Logan Morrison is so inconsistent that candidate Obama and President Obama both give him a funny look and say, “Dude.” Fer shur he’s got this locked down, right? And he won’t injure himself with a bat again? Right? #Owie

Bust Potential – 1 Cup of Lomo

5) SS – HOW CAN I APPROPRIATELY THROW SHADE ON THIS POSITION WHEN WE DON’T KNOW WHO WILL BE PLAYING THIS POSITION? How can people be so confident that the team will get production from this position when there is no clear-cut starter? And you cannot say that both candidates are good; both are UNKNOWN. Taylor, the slick-fielding punch-and-judy hitter or Brad “I’m growing my hair out so take THAT! Dad” Miller are both so wet behind the ears that Jason Momoa is hanging out with them in order to ‘get into character.’

Bust Potential – 10 inches, tip to tip

6) 3B – Kyle Seager inked a big boy deal this past offseason. Now that money has been removed as a motivating factor, let’s hope he continues his ‘old-school’ ‘grind-it-out’ ‘by all that I really mean he’s white’ ways.

Bust Potential – 550 nanometers

7) C – Mike Zunino hit under the Mendoza Line last year. I know, AVG isn’t the be-all end-all hitting metric but, gosh, .199 AVG with not a lotta walks and lots of Ks isn’t great hitting. Ron Fairly – “Why? It means you’re not putting a lot of wood on the ball, you see.”

Bust Potential – 28 knots

8) DH – Nelson Cruz. Aging sluggers, post-steroid era, are not typically a good bet. Let’s hope Safeco doesn’t eat him alive and that his 25-30 games in the OF *shudder* don’t end up biting him in the ass.

Bust Potential – 4 dols

RP) Last year was historically great for the Mariners’ bull-pen. RPs are known to be volatile and the pen has lost Beimel and Maurer. There’s literally no other option than for the bull-pen to be worse this year.

Bust Potential – 1.3 micromorts

There you are. 8 reasons why the Mariners are in a worse position than you think. Reality checked like

Go M’s.